Beware of Somali Pirates and Big Brothers

Since we found out about the family ‘vacation’ Jackson has mentioned the cruise at least once a day. And not in an ‘I’m so excited to go on a cruise’ way either. More like an ‘OMG! We’re all going to DIE’ way. Here’s a peek into a typical day at Worry Wart Central:

“Mom? Will this ship be made of the same material that the Titanic was?”

“Jackson, the boat isn’t going to sink,” I reply through gritted teeth.

Because really? How many times and ways can I say it? Sensing an opportunity for harassment, his brother pipes up. “Actually, that’s what everyone said about the Titanic and look what happened.” “There aren’t any icebergs in Bermuda!” I scream.

“Yeah, Mom, you’re right. What are you so worried about, Jackson?”

Zach pauses for dramatic effect.

“We’ll be fine. That whole Bermuda triangle thing is just a myth anyway.”

He has a sly look in his eyes because he KNOWS Jackson hasn’t plotted the ship’s route in a couple of days.

“MOM! I don’t want to go on the cruise. We’re all going to drown and I have a hole in my eardrum so I shouldn’t even be near the ocean.”

He’s twisting his hair and stuttering as the words tumble from his mouth.

“ZACHARY! IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP AND STOP GOADING YOUR BROTHER YOU’RE STAYING HOME WITH GRANDPA AND THE REST OF US WILL GO AND HAVE A GOOD TIME.”

The kids know my threat is totally a lie because:

1.Everyone’s tickets and passports are purchased.
2.They’ve been on vacation with my in-laws before and realize ‘good time’ won’t be on the agenda.
Jackson perked up. “I’ll stay home with Grandpa!”

My Dad is a notoriously loveable curmudgeon who hates to leave the comfort of his La-Z-Boy recliner.

“We’re all going on this cruise and we’re all HAVING FUN.”

At this point I’m trying to convince myself as much as them.

“Besides we’re going to hang out in NYC for a few days and you can go to Dylan’s candy bar and Serendipity.”

Using sugar as a bribe/distraction is a specialty of mine. Look for my boys on the next save the fat person show on TLC. This placates Jackson for a moment or two and the boys start talking about what sites they want to see in NYC. Eventually, the conversation segues into The Statue of Liberty and homeland security. Welcome to my world, people. Sometimes we’re arguing about capital punishment and the history of the guillotine before I’ve stirred the creamer into my morning coffee.

Zach takes this as a fabulous opportunity to goad his brother some more.

“Yeah, Jackson, you don’t *really* have to worry about terrorists on the cruise ship since everyone has to have a passport.”

*Signature Dramatic Pause*

“Of course, there are always the Somali pirates to look out for.”

And we’re off again. Because, as I like to say, the world is round so we can keep going in circles. That’s how it works at my house anyway.