It’s sad to say but this is a true story…
It’s a story that everyone can relate to. Not that what I’m about to say has happened to you, but that you can identify with it. This story happened about 3 years ago, but I am always fearfully reminded of its power every few days. It will forever be known as The Time I Almost Lost It. Literally. I had just left work and needed to see about a cheap dining table at Target. Just a small 2 seat table for my small apartment. There was just one Target that had it in stock and this place was on the opposite side of the city from where I lived but I needed to get it. So after work (work is in between this particular Target and my home) I started the journey.
One detail that will probably cause you to think “Oh…Oh no…”, my stomach wasn’t quite right since lunch that day.
Okay, so I’m driving to Target. It’s pretty cloudy outside and looks like a storm was heading my way. I wanted to hurry up and get the table and get home. I’m walking around in Target (rumble, rumble…), “stupid stomach”, I tell myself. I find the table and struggle a bit to get in in the cart. It’s small but it’s heavy being all compacted in a box. I start to push the cart off (rumble, rumble…). I thought if I walked around it would calm the stomach. I got by the register and (rumble, blech, blurrrrgh, agghhrrr. rumble..). Oh, no. The lady checks me out and I see that there are restrooms right in front of me.
Right. In. Front.
In my guy genius wisdom, my thought process was this : Just get this thing to the car and once inside, and sitting, I will be fine. I get outside and it’s pouring down rain. I get to my car (rumble, rumble), get the box in the trunk and get inside. “Okay, okay…I’m good now, I’m good. Time out stomach, I’m IN the car.”
Now I still have a 30 minute drive home. I get about 5 minutes in and I get thefothermucker of all rumbles. It’s the one that is warning you of the Armageddon that is about to happen. The kind that makes you turn the radio off. The kind that makes you clinch so tight, you are sure to rip a hole out of the seat. The kind that can make you start sweating in 3.2 seconds.
Okay, halfway there and I hit rush hour traffic. In this standstill, I am tormented by continuous bouts of “Target Bathroom Regret”, but I am a soldier. I can do this. I can. I am in a middle of this battle when the car behind me decides to slam into me. I’m in my car trying not to deliver a brown baby boy and I get in a wreck. In a traffic jam. In the pouring rain. As soon as I gain enough composure, I get out of my car and looked at the damage. The other guy gets out and was apologizing and I see that it was just a small scratch. I begin to have another contraction, so I told him “Don’t worry about it” and shook his hand. He stood there with his mouth open for about 10 seconds. I was back in my car in about 2 seconds to continue my breathing exercises.
I’m about a minute from home and sweat was pouring from my forehead…clinched like you would not believe. I pull into the parking space and realized that I had a flight of stairs to climb. Ever walked up stairs in this condition? Kind of like the “Straight Legged Waddle”, am I right? The next thing I remember is opening the door and feeling like I was flying to the bathroom, taking off clothes in flight. What happened next was declaring victory just as my white ass was hitting porcelain.
It was one of the few times in my life that I knew… that I made it. And I hope we can all still be friends.
It’s obvious to note that I’m not that controversial of a writer. Never have been. This post simply cracks me up. I picked it as my controversial post because some view this topic as something you shouldn’t write about. I disagree because it’s hilarious. Except when girls say they do it. I just don’t know why you all keep telling us that. We know you don’t.