Whew – I needed that!

Once upon a time, there was a dorky girl who went to high school.

A few years later, there was a reunion. She strangely had fun at events like this, and she was less dorky in recent years, so she decided to head westward to attend the shindig of the year.

Her (awesome, hot, well hung, funny, best ever) husband declined to attend with her AND stated he would keep the tiny toddler tornadocane (TTT) with him, lest the girl get so drunk she forgot and left TTT someplace.

Off the girl flew on wings of Shamu. She found the chariot of Jetta awaiting her upon her arrival. Across the asphalt she flew, sad that she had no CDs to play as the radio stations were so bad.

Arriving at the home of her mommy, Crazy Cat Lady Minus the Cats (CCLMtC), she dressed in the finest apparel designed to say “oh no, I always look casually this awesome”.

Arriving at a winery, she found her favorite libation to be available once again. She filled her (plastic) loving cup to the brim and savored it’s perfection.

Her companions were a random group, the loud Larry the Cable Guy Replica (LtCGR), the Queen and his husband, the scary smoking lurker (who she thought was mute but was wrong), the staid married couple… Soon they were joined by the Jesus clone drummer and his princess the Lawyer, who became the girl’s BFF as soon as she shared her tasty beverage.

Then the long lost BFF (LLBFF) of the girl appeared ‘round the bend. The girl and the LLBFF had been separated by a beautiful evil witch, who had banned their friendship because the girl possessed no Y chromosome and therefore could not speak to her prince.

After a decade and two children, the beautiful evil witch had disappeared and the LLBFF appeared with a Fugly Troll attired in jeans encrusted by a Ronco Bedazzler. Quickly the LLBFF was engaging the girl in lively conversation. Behind the girl, the Lawyer muttered, “Oh, I don’t like this Bedazzler girl at all.”

After a fashion, the girl pulled the LLBFF aside, and having the gift of prophecy (and a fucking clue) and shared her vision with him.

“You are about 10 minutes away from your girlfriend hating my guts and getting pissed at you.”

The LLBFF laughed and said there was no way, but the girl, again with the gift of prophecy (and a fucking clue) knew better. As they arrived upon their destination, the room of bath, the girl sat atop a plastic chair to await the opening of the room of the bath. She immediately realized her seat had been wet, and now her pants were soaked. She felt like the classiest bitch in town to be sure.

In less than an hour past, the prophecy came true among much cussing and chewing of the ass of the LLBFF and he departed with the fugly bedazzled troll.

The girl continued to cavort with the mates of class, mandated to leave her chariot of Jetta behind as the beverages made her face numb and her vision strange. She was a prize catch, many people vying for the opportunity to whisk her away to the jester’s court of karaoke. Each wanted her to take the last space in their coaches to prevent spending more time in the company of the LtCGR, who by this time was LOUD and DRUNK!

The crew was delighted to find the music awesomely bad and began to drink many beers. Many an off key note were hit.

Needing sustenance, the girl, the Lawyer, the Jesus clone Drummer and two others departed to the late night splendor of the Bitchin’ Kitchen. Before their eyes, LtCGR appeared again. Louder and drunker than before, he proceeded to eat his weight in bacon dipped in a bowl of syrup.

The girl realized her ID and credit card were missing, but knew they would be safe at the jester’s court – nevertheless, the crew took the opportunity to escape LtCGR and loaded up the coach. Before a minute had passed she discovered her mistake – the cards she sought were in her BEWBS!

The crew deposited her at home of CCLWtC and she fell fast asleep.